more on space

thispostisnotaboutspacecampanditsnotaboutbeingalone.
itsaboutme.
thispostisaboutmehavingareallybadday.



sojustaswordsneed          space


SODOI.


nothinggoldcanstay,
susane.

the college app feels

when i start thinking about college:

cause i get to move out

and have no curfew

but then i start filling out the application,

and they keep asking stupid questions like "what do you want to major in?"

and then its like "hey you have to write us three essays."

so me and my friends take a break, and then we start talking about how we get to be roommates

so i go back to the college application

and it says "put in all of your community service hours."

and then they're wondering if i'm married,

and then they want to know why i want to go to college,

and then i'm finally done!

and then its like "give us $40."

so i go to my mom,

she gives me $41 for my application and an ice cream.

and that's it.

and then my mom says "okay time for the next one."

yay college.

nothing gold can stay,

susan e.

i cry more than once a month.

hi. 

i've tried to tell you so many times. 

(yes, you.)

i've started typing, and i've written the phrase "i'm depressed" so many different times.

i've been wanting to tell you that i think i might be depressed for a long time.

but i can't get it out. 

i wouldn't even know where to start,

or what words to use.

and if i'm going to dedicate a whole post to how sad i feel,

then i can't make it beautiful.

because my pain isn't beautiful, right?

its awful.

i feel bad inside.

i feel weighed down.

i cry for no reason.

the only thing that makes me happy is sleep, but when i wake up i feel bad again.

normal girls only cry this hard once a month.

but i'm crying now,

and i know my tears are completely rational because i was PMSing last week.

how do i write my pain simply 

so that you'll see

just how complicated it is.

will you understand that i feel bad for feeling bad?

i don't even know what that means.

depression is a big word.

and it comes with a lot of baggage.

so i guess instead of telling you that maybe i'm depressed,

i'll just tell you that i feel sad a lot.

and i don't like it.

and no, don't worry i'll be fine.

but i'm crying for no reason.

and it's irritating as heck.

oh my gosh, i can't keep writing this. 

i think writing this is making me 69x more depressed than i actually am.

but here's the rest in a nutshell: i'm not going to cut myself because it would hurt and i'm  not dumb. 

i think i might be depressed, that's all.

okay. i think that's it.

nothing gold can stay,

susan e. 

this might be a love letter?

i think about you. more than i think about Montana.
i think about your fingers touching my face like a painter thinks about his paint brushes stroking an empty canvas.

and boy, i want you to paint me a picture.

         and i think i might have loved you once.
                    and idk if i still love you.
                              but i sure do love to remember you.

                  and we never took a picture together,
but do you know how many times i've pictured us together?


                                  i remember your broad shoulders. and i remember how you kept your hair short.

and the last time you saw me, mine was 8" shorter than usual.
but i hope you remember me with my long hair. 
it looked much better with that pink dress that i hate.

i hope you remember me the way i was when you

held me.

that girl wasn't sad all of the time.

she didn't stare at nothing for long periods of time.

she didn't use her middle finger for anything besides a place for her CTR ring.

she didn't stay out hours past curfew.

she didn't get grounded.

she didn't hate life.

                           i hope you remember me how i was gold.

                              i hope that golden girl isn't dead.

    i hope when you hold me again, i can remind you of how i was.

but mostly i hope you hold me again.
and maybe we can go to Montana together, sometime.

nothing gold can stay,

susan e.

nothing gold can stay.

i'm not going to dedicate this term to the death of my innocence because that sounds kind of dramatic and maybe a little slutty.

but i am dedicating the rest of this blog to growing up.

because that's what's happening. 

I'M GROWING UP.

i'm not going to be gold anymore.
i can't stop it. and as i get older i can't stay innocent.
or maybe i can.
but as of right now, 
with even the gold leaves falling,
and winter coming
---that prospect is looking very very grim.


so for now....

nothing gold can stay,
susan e.

a list of things to do before i turn 18:

• get kissed
• be knighted
• sneak out
• go streaking
• color my hair

you'd get it if you knew when my birthday was.

stay gold,

suzy e.

#confessionpost

i was 100% ready for thursday. the first real day of fall break. 
i got someone to cover my shift at work.
i told my mom my plan.
i was so ready for this.

you wanna know what i did?

i spent the day, alone, at home.
it was so great.

(you guys think i'm being sarcastic. (i'm not. *crosses heart and hopes to die*))

i had a good book. and i was grounded anyway. so i grabbed this chance to just stay home and do nothing.

i did this way too much as a tween. 
i spent too many friday nights and saturdays at home, 
reading a book, 
and regretting my choice of friends.

but what i did on this day was deliberate.
my mom asked me what i was going to do all day, and i said

"mom, i'm not going to put on a bra. and i'm also not going to do anything."

and when she asked me to fix the garage key-pad-thing--i didn't. 

frankly, i was shocked she even asked me. i told her i wasn't going to do anything.


i stayed home. and didn't hang out with my friends. i stayed home with my family, and shockingly enough--i enjoyed myself.



thats all.

stay gold,
suzy e.
the greaser.

destiny vs. the idiot

i saw destiny in a book store yesterday.

and you know what i did?

like an idiot, i turned around and walked out.

stay gold,

suzy e.

"POOF!"

i'll tell you right now that even if i wasn't religious--i still wouldn't believe in the BIG BANG theory.

i just don't think that the universe would just "POOF!" exist.

and i really don't think that scientists (even if one of them was einstein) could find a way to actually explain how God created the universe.
(i have my own theory. i call it the "He's-God-So-He-Can-Do-Whatever-He-Wants" theory.)

you can't tell me that you're happy to go on thinking that you just "POOF!"ed into existence. there is nothing happy about some hydrogen atoms combining with some electrons and neutrons that suddenly just happened to create life. and the earth. and the universe. (there also isn't anything happy about chemistry. (#sorrynotsorry Wentz.))


stay gold,
suzy e.

U R kewl.

OH MY HEAVENS TO BETSY.

PLEASE JUST STOP

don't be so worried about what you wear to school.
i know you're thinking "oh man everyone is going to think i'm lame because i'm wearing a t shirt to school."

DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
(sorry that was a bit harsh.)

but honestly, i won't be thinking less of you if you wear a t shirt to school, and neither will that boy in your chemistry class. i'll be right next to you wearing a t shirt i got at DI for a dollar because i'm too cheap to buy one from walmart for ten.

don't worry about the car you drive.
even if your car sounds super ghetto when you cut off the kid driving the range rover in the parking lot. 

#throwback to that one time we talked about death in class. 
i've actually been thinking about this for all of high school.

I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS SO WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK?

as lame as this sounds, you just kind of have to tell yourself you're cool. 

if you are having a hard time convincing yourself that you're cool, maybe put on a pair of Ray Bans, that seems to work in the movies. 

and pretty soon, you'll feel cool.

before i finish i just want you to know:

I THINK YOU'RE COOL.

(not that you should care what i think. 

you're going to die anyways.)

stay gold,

suzy e.

a map of my actual heart.

now now, before you go assuming that i'm some genius child-cardiologist, let me tell you: i'm not.

google mapped out my actual heart for me.

now if only google could help me map out my heart.

i imagine that would be nice.

stay gold,

suzy e.