i've tried to tell you so many times.
(yes, you.)
i've started typing, and i've written the phrase "i'm depressed" so many different times.
i've been wanting to tell you that i think i might be depressed for a long time.
but i can't get it out.
i wouldn't even know where to start,
or what words to use.
and if i'm going to dedicate a whole post to how sad i feel,
then i can't make it beautiful.
because my pain isn't beautiful, right?
its awful.
i feel bad inside.
i feel weighed down.
i cry for no reason.
the only thing that makes me happy is sleep, but when i wake up i feel bad again.
normal girls only cry this hard once a month.
but i'm crying now,
and i know my tears are completely rational because i was PMSing last week.
how do i write my pain simply
so that you'll see
just how complicated it is.
will you understand that i feel bad for feeling bad?
i don't even know what that means.
depression is a big word.
and it comes with a lot of baggage.
so i guess instead of telling you that maybe i'm depressed,
i'll just tell you that i feel sad a lot.
and i don't like it.
and no, don't worry i'll be fine.
but i'm crying for no reason.
and it's irritating as heck.
oh my gosh, i can't keep writing this.
i think writing this is making me 69x more depressed than i actually am.
but here's the rest in a nutshell: i'm not going to cut myself because it would hurt and i'm not dumb.
i think i might be depressed, that's all.
okay. i think that's it.
nothing gold can stay,
susan e.
I feel bad for feeling bad
ReplyDeleteTHE BEST LINE
"i think i know why people cut themselves.
ReplyDeletebecause when you're crying uncontrollably for no good reason,
having a reason feels better than not."
i think it's sad that this makes so much sense. so much sense. so much sense.
GoodNESS. I..don't know what to say, other than I love all your stuff..
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry..and no one can ever really understand.
"normal girls only cry this hard once a month.
but i'm crying now"
Love that line. And I feel ya. It's not fair.
"I wouldn't even know where to start,
or what words to use."
Yeah Greaser Girl, yeah.
Damn. I don't even know what else to say but, thank you. I've struggled with how to say this for a long time. And you, you my favorite greaser girl, just did it. Thank you.
ReplyDelete"how do i write my pain simply
so that you'll see
just how complicated it is.
will you understand that i feel bad for feeling bad?
i don't even know what that means.
depression is a big word.
and it comes with a lot of baggage."
Without even knowing, you understand me. You are one of few. Thanks again.
{speechless}
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you wrote this. " i've been wanting to tell you that i think i might be depressed for a long time.
ReplyDeletebut i can't get it out. " and for this " i'm crying for no reason. and it's irritating as hell." If you didn't write this I don't know how the hell I would have. Thanks for this. I thought I was alone.
All the bold words. " I might be depressed what if Im right? I feel bad inside. I feel weighed down. I cry for no reason. The only thing that makes me feel happy is sleep, but when I wake up I feel bad again. Is that what depression is? I just feel like hell." I am so glad you wrote this post. It's like you wrote this post about every thought in my head. I'm glad I'm not alone but it still sucks.
ReplyDeleteThe poem/message/bold words inside your poem kill me the most. Everything about this is just raw and amazing and I want to just help you and I can't.......
ReplyDelete