all it'll ever be

I’m watching this show, Normal People, and it’s extremely dramatic and emo, and the characters move kind of slow, except that slow isn’t

the right word. I guess they just take time to think. They say things that seem kind of profound, in a way? Or maybe it’s just the way they’re

saying the things. 

I guess the production has brought a kind of melancholy to my day. I feel lethargic in a way that makes my bones feel heavy,

like I’m unable to take my arms off the table, and I have trouble moving my fingers forward to type.

Does that mean it’s well made? Or that the production as a whole has achieved its goal of being ‘great’? That it has affected me, so?

Or does that say more about me? That the content of a show has so great an influence on me, that I can act in a completely

different way, allowing the aesthetic to bleed into my life, and modify the way I see and do and say things. 

I simultaneously love and hate it. I love finding a piece of work that is done so well I am completely wrapped up in it.

I love when something is so good to me that I can lose myself in it for hours. But at the same time, I feel very vulnerable to the world.

Like I’m opening myself up to what I don’t have and trying to fill the empty spaces with fictional things. 

A love story. A purpose. A soul mate. A connection. 

In my head I’m in a space in Ireland, and the camera is doing an extreme close up, using a macro lens to focus on my eyelashes,

where a portion of my face takes up the screen, and I’m saying these things and using words that I wouldn’t normally use,

and I’m being introspective, and I’m saying something that matters. 

In reality, I’m sitting at a desk at work, in a room with no windows, writing instead of doing the work I’m currently being paid to do.

I’m dreaming about being in a place that doesn’t exist. I’m in garish green scrubs, and just burped because I’m drinking diet coke.

My hair is in a messy bun, but not the kind that is cute, and it’s greasy, and I’m alone.

I’m feeling lonely, but there’s no one I can call. I want to talk to someone who knows me.

I want to talk to someone and tell them how much I love them, and have them tell me how much they love me.

I want the drama of love, and I want the drama of real-life to consume me, like a creative work of art does. 

Instead, I’m stuck in real life. Which is fine, because it’s real, and that’s all it’ll ever be. 

…

...but that’s all it’ll ever be. 

Caring from a Distance

can't trust myself in the dark

emotions are skewed

thoughts are pitchy

excitement is dull

....

what should i do now that i can't trust myself for 15.5 hours of the day

what should i do

The Art of Pretending Not to Care

It's a refined art. A talent honed over years of broken promises and canceled plans.

You're waiting for your friend to text you back, your phone buzzes...it's your mom.
That's okay, they're probably really busy!

Aforementioned friend later posts a pic including 1+ mutual friends hanging out.
"That's fine, I got to stay home and finish my book!"

You got work off so that you and your friends could do something fun, but they cancel at the last minute.
"No problem! I got to spend some quality time cleaning!"

You find out about an engagement on instagram, even though you've been close friends for years.
"It's an exciting time, it probably slipped her mind!"

You give consistent love and support to a friend for months and months, and when they come home they ignore you, choosing to spend time with other friends.
"I understand! You have a lot of catching up to do, seeing as you haven't spoken to them for a year!"

You rearrange your time with your family to make time for friends, who cancel last minute to be with their family.
"Of course I'm not mad! How can I be? Family comes first!"

You are excited for your sister to come home and spend time with you, but when she comes home she wants to watch a movie alone.
"Okay, have fun, I'll just be next door in my room if you need me!"

Friend: "Suzy! I haven't seen you if forever! How are you? We need to hang out!"
Me: "I miss you! Do you want to do something tomorrow? Or Friday? Or any day next week? I can come to you!"
Friend: "Oh, well I have to work tomorrow, and study for a test on Friday, and all next week I'm busy. What about next month?"
Me: "what about next year?"
Friend: "What?"
Me: "Next month is fine! Just let me know!"

Friend: "Sam are you okay?"
Me:



  

Past Power

You've bought a million journals but haven't written a word in one of them.
The pages are pristine, the covers a little dusty.
The pens you keep buying from bookstores keep getting lost, but that's no excuse.

Go on, tell me why.
I know you're trying not to hate yourself but being afraid of yourself is basically the same thing.
You're in charge of you, but don't give yourself too much power.
Who should the power go to? Present You? Future? Past?

There is no use in giving power to the Past, unless you plan on never leaving high school behind.

You're afraid to write anything because the Future You might not like it.
Will she look at the words and scoff? Cringe? Smile?

Stop being afraid of her. She hasn't earned the right to your power yet.

Remember last year? When you were afraid of her? Well you are her now so. Where does that leave you?

There is power in the Present. Don't you forget it.

Tndr

I fall in love with every right swipe on tinder.
In the split second it takes me to make the decision of a lifetime an entire lifetime flashes before me.

What's ur last name would i take it how many kids will we have could we name one florence would it be weird to name a boy francis is your mom nice will i have any in laws why are you shirtless in all of these pictures wow abs whats ur fav color how long have you had a man bun will your last name sound cool with mine maybe i'll read your bio nvm does your dog have a dog name or a human name i hope it's a dog name i like ur dog would you buy me another dog could we just be one of those couples who has dogs instead of kids would you be willing to name our first dog bro and the second ho probably not ehhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhh swipe left

Last Year

Last year I made fun of my friend for watching Bob's Burgers.

I started watching it.

It's pretty OK.

What else have I been making fun of?

This blog post means nothing. 

The Most Important

Of all the things I've discovered on Pinterest this is the most important thing ever.

Prosac vs Anxiety vs Depression

Prozac: Sam, you need to clean your room, it's really bad.

Anxiety: Holy cow this is going to take forever you better wait until you have 4 hours to clean it because nothing can be done in 10 minutes.

Depression: I mean, even if you clean it--it's just going to get dirty again, right? So, what's the point?

...

Prozac: Sam go hang out with your friends, you haven't seen them in ages.

Anxiety: They're just going to talk about school the whole time, what will you have to add to the conversation?

Depression: Wouldn't you rather finish that show you started earlier today? You could stay up all night!

...

Prozac: You should go to the gym today! Endorphins! Energy! Exercise!

Anxiety: You better workout in the back row. Everyone! Is! Looking! At! You!

Depression: You're so tired, just go get Chick-Fil-A and go home. Chicken! Strips! Frozen! Lemonade!

...

Prozac: What are you going to do tomorrow? You should be productive!

Anxiety: Well you usually do nothing and you're doing okay right? You should keep doing that!

Depression: Why do you always want to do something different? Just chill out.

Glitchin'

My computer keeps on glitching. So I don't often use it. As I get started into something, downloading music, looking up things to read, editing photos, etc. my computer freaks out and turns off, (which--let me tell you--is AWESOME) and I'm left to wait the 10-15 minutes for it to reboot. (Honestly what century is this? I feel like I'm living in the 2000s (-_- @ me.))

I am glitchin'. Once I get started on something BOOM my life turns off. The restart usually comes in the wake of an anxiety attack, or a Day of Depression, or maybe a particularly bad batch of cookies. But once I turn off, it's so hard to wait that 10-15 minutes for a reboot. Most of the time I can't. I have to try to distract myself with something else.

This is the first thing I've been able to reboot in a while. Maybe it was all the cool gifs, or the fact that you can now search Google using picutres (????!!!!!) but I got through it.

So that's something.

Late Night Convos w/ Myself

Me: You always assumed that you sounded like a girl but people on the phone with you are constantly wondering if your nickname "Sam" is for "Samantha", but maybe you just don't know you sound like a boy, idk idk.

Me: You think everything has changed but most things are the same.

Me: Why can't you stop listening to Justin Bieber?

Me: Did you just look up how to spell "Bieber"? Who are you?

Me: You rode in cars with boys in high school so why was Friday different?

Me: You keep saying that you're you and thats okay, but is it really? Is it okay to have anxiety attacks every other day? Is it okay to go a week without washing your hair? (yes.) Is it okay to teach your nephew to say "Guess what--chicken BUTT"?

Me: Because you've done all of those things.

Me: Stop caring so much about anything and start caring more about everything.


Me: ???

Me: !!!

?

"Where do you want to go?"

"Everywhere."

"No, I meant with your life."

"I know."