a list of things to do before i turn 18:

• get kissed
• be knighted
• sneak out
• go streaking
• color my hair

you'd get it if you knew when my birthday was.

stay gold,

suzy e.

#confessionpost

i was 100% ready for thursday. the first real day of fall break. 
i got someone to cover my shift at work.
i told my mom my plan.
i was so ready for this.

you wanna know what i did?

i spent the day, alone, at home.
it was so great.

(you guys think i'm being sarcastic. (i'm not. *crosses heart and hopes to die*))

i had a good book. and i was grounded anyway. so i grabbed this chance to just stay home and do nothing.

i did this way too much as a tween. 
i spent too many friday nights and saturdays at home, 
reading a book, 
and regretting my choice of friends.

but what i did on this day was deliberate.
my mom asked me what i was going to do all day, and i said

"mom, i'm not going to put on a bra. and i'm also not going to do anything."

and when she asked me to fix the garage key-pad-thing--i didn't. 

frankly, i was shocked she even asked me. i told her i wasn't going to do anything.


i stayed home. and didn't hang out with my friends. i stayed home with my family, and shockingly enough--i enjoyed myself.



thats all.

stay gold,
suzy e.
the greaser.

destiny vs. the idiot

i saw destiny in a book store yesterday.

and you know what i did?

like an idiot, i turned around and walked out.

stay gold,

suzy e.

"POOF!"

i'll tell you right now that even if i wasn't religious--i still wouldn't believe in the BIG BANG theory.

i just don't think that the universe would just "POOF!" exist.

and i really don't think that scientists (even if one of them was einstein) could find a way to actually explain how God created the universe.
(i have my own theory. i call it the "He's-God-So-He-Can-Do-Whatever-He-Wants" theory.)

you can't tell me that you're happy to go on thinking that you just "POOF!"ed into existence. there is nothing happy about some hydrogen atoms combining with some electrons and neutrons that suddenly just happened to create life. and the earth. and the universe. (there also isn't anything happy about chemistry. (#sorrynotsorry Wentz.))


stay gold,
suzy e.

U R kewl.

OH MY HEAVENS TO BETSY.

PLEASE JUST STOP

don't be so worried about what you wear to school.
i know you're thinking "oh man everyone is going to think i'm lame because i'm wearing a t shirt to school."

DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
(sorry that was a bit harsh.)

but honestly, i won't be thinking less of you if you wear a t shirt to school, and neither will that boy in your chemistry class. i'll be right next to you wearing a t shirt i got at DI for a dollar because i'm too cheap to buy one from walmart for ten.

don't worry about the car you drive.
even if your car sounds super ghetto when you cut off the kid driving the range rover in the parking lot. 

#throwback to that one time we talked about death in class. 
i've actually been thinking about this for all of high school.

I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS SO WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK?

as lame as this sounds, you just kind of have to tell yourself you're cool. 

if you are having a hard time convincing yourself that you're cool, maybe put on a pair of Ray Bans, that seems to work in the movies. 

and pretty soon, you'll feel cool.

before i finish i just want you to know:

I THINK YOU'RE COOL.

(not that you should care what i think. 

you're going to die anyways.)

stay gold,

suzy e.

a map of my actual heart.

now now, before you go assuming that i'm some genius child-cardiologist, let me tell you: i'm not.

google mapped out my actual heart for me.

now if only google could help me map out my heart.

i imagine that would be nice.

stay gold,

suzy e.

my life right now in gifs

senioritis.

as if i even need to tell you.

senioritis makes me feel like this:

my mom: "did you go to class today?"

me:  

"then what did you do with your day? you need to get up and do something."

me:  

"don't you have any homework? it's saturday, do it today so you don't have to do it tomorrow at 11:57 p.m."

me: 

"don't you want to graduate college and do something with your life?"

me: 

"you really need to go to class."

me: 

"you have to go to attendance school."

me:

"suzy, where do you want to go to college?"

"suzy, what are you going to do when you grow up?"

in short. everyone can just stop asking me about my future.

because i don't know.

and i don't care.

stay gold,

suzy e.

bones & YOLO

my skin tells me i'm different.
             i have a freckle here.
     you have a bruise there.
my eyes are blue.
            but yours are happy.




my skin tells everyone that i'm happy.
the blood blush in my cheeks convinces you that i'm
happy to be here.
                happy to be alive.


             
         
                                               but my bones.
                                             they say different.


if you could hear what my bones say,
you would be shocked.

like a magnet my bones are p
                            u
                             l
                              l
                               e
                                d down.
                                      
                                        down to an endless sleep.

i constantly wish for hollow bones.
for hollow bones that instead of weighing me down to the ground,
would propel me up high, into the sky.


                                                   but my bones,
                                           they're not stupid.
                                  they know now that soon enough,
                           
                                        they'll be in the ground.


my bones don't under stand YOLO.
they'll be here long after i'm gone.
                    i'll leave them behind, i guess.
i'll leave them behind in the ground.
so YOLO doesn't really apply to them.


                                     i kind of like the thought of my bones here,
                        even when i'm long gone.

maybe they'll understand YOLO when they're all alone in my coffin.
the way i understood YOLO when my parents left me all alone in the house.



                             maybe my bones will throw a party.
                                      as sick as that thought is,
i can't help but feel happy,
that a part of me will be living,
even when i'm gone.



YOLO,
stay gold,
suzy e.

(also, who knew you could find a gif of a skeleton doing yoga? google is amazing.)

a lone wolf.

being alone is fantastic.

after our first journal prompt i decided that i would give being alone a try.

as it turns out there are a lot of things you can to alone.

1. people watch. 

2. go to get food.

3. go to the store.

4. etc.

now, i know what you're thinking: "this girl is probably weird, and has no friends, and that's why she is promoting being alone."

i would like to tell you that that accusation is false, thankyouverymuch. 

i just like going places alone because the only people i have to talk to are people who i don't know, and therefore don't feel the need to impress them.

GO PLACES ALONE AND YOU'LL LOVE IT. POSSIBLY. I CAN'T PROMISE YOU ANYTHING.

ALSO JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING I'M EXPERIENCING WRITERS BLOCK SO GET OUT OF MY FACE ABOUT THIS POST BEING STUPID AND MEANINGLESS I JUST CAN'T THINK AND I DON'T WANT TO--I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED AND SLEEP FOR THREE MONTHS. OR NINE. OR JUST UNTIL GRADUATION.

STAY GOLD,
SUZY E.

don't be afraid, okay?

i'm afraid for the end of the semester. 
when all of you will know who i am.
some of you already do.
i don't know how,
but that's okay.

i'm afraid of my own bones. 
i'm afraid that one day i'll fall while holding a knife and it will cut deep enough for me to see my bone.
and then i'll picture myself as a skeleton.
and that leads to thought of all those bodies in the ground.
right next to that graveyard you live by.

i'm afraid of drowning.
but i still swim.
i don't know if that counts as being brave,
or just being stupid.
but the absolute freedom i feel jumping,
and just chillin' in the air,
pretending that i am a bird
is wonderful.
the freedom i feel outweighs the fear.

and that is what this life is all about, right?
the freedom i feel jumping into the air
helps me deal
with how close i just came to inhaling a bucket of water.


but the freedom,
it allows me to dream.
and that's worth it.






stay gold,
suzy e.

to the me who is 2 years dumb-er.

to: sophmore me

from: senior me

i'd start by saying "hey what's up?" but i know what's up.

you've just started high school, and you think that you're going to make a gazllion new friends, and you think you're going to be way more mature, and i even know about that crush you have on the boy in your math class, you know--the one with great hair.

i'm here to tell you a few things.

1. your really annoying friend who keeps pissing you off, stay friends with her. she ends up being pretty great.

2. you'll never understand physics. 

3. don't try to act older than you are. you're supposed to grow up in high school, not be grown up in high school. #foreveryoung

4. watch out for that boy in your math class. (no, not the one with great hair (forget about him, he's a noob.)) the other one. you know--the awkward one who sits next to you, who makes you laugh like you never thought you could. the one who you feel like you've known forever. 

yeah watch out for him, cause he's a douche.

5. stay gold. 

okay, that's all.

stay gold,

suzy e.

p.s. would it kill you to turn in some homework on time?? and you probably shouldn't speed. it would save us a lot of ca$h money$. OH, and try not to back into your sister's car, that wasn't fun. okay bye.