don't be afraid, okay?

i'm afraid for the end of the semester. 
when all of you will know who i am.
some of you already do.
i don't know how,
but that's okay.

i'm afraid of my own bones. 
i'm afraid that one day i'll fall while holding a knife and it will cut deep enough for me to see my bone.
and then i'll picture myself as a skeleton.
and that leads to thought of all those bodies in the ground.
right next to that graveyard you live by.

i'm afraid of drowning.
but i still swim.
i don't know if that counts as being brave,
or just being stupid.
but the absolute freedom i feel jumping,
and just chillin' in the air,
pretending that i am a bird
is wonderful.
the freedom i feel outweighs the fear.

and that is what this life is all about, right?
the freedom i feel jumping into the air
helps me deal
with how close i just came to inhaling a bucket of water.


but the freedom,
it allows me to dream.
and that's worth it.






stay gold,
suzy e.

to the me who is 2 years dumb-er.

to: sophmore me

from: senior me

i'd start by saying "hey what's up?" but i know what's up.

you've just started high school, and you think that you're going to make a gazllion new friends, and you think you're going to be way more mature, and i even know about that crush you have on the boy in your math class, you know--the one with great hair.

i'm here to tell you a few things.

1. your really annoying friend who keeps pissing you off, stay friends with her. she ends up being pretty great.

2. you'll never understand physics. 

3. don't try to act older than you are. you're supposed to grow up in high school, not be grown up in high school. #foreveryoung

4. watch out for that boy in your math class. (no, not the one with great hair (forget about him, he's a noob.)) the other one. you know--the awkward one who sits next to you, who makes you laugh like you never thought you could. the one who you feel like you've known forever. 

yeah watch out for him, cause he's a douche.

5. stay gold. 

okay, that's all.

stay gold,

suzy e.

p.s. would it kill you to turn in some homework on time?? and you probably shouldn't speed. it would save us a lot of ca$h money$. OH, and try not to back into your sister's car, that wasn't fun. okay bye.

concrete

is a brick even concrete? no. 

concrete is the stuff in between the bricks that holds them all together.

THINGS THAT HOLD ME TOGETHER.

>>naps

>>word searches

>>hot air balloons

>>forcing my car to shift into gear

>>diving into the pool

>>ice cream 

>>the smell of chlorine

>>shapes in the clouds

>>reading on rainy days

>>reading on sunny days

>>...reading on days

>>gifs 

>>dancing like an idiot 

         #stakedances4lyfe

         #sorrynotsorry

>>and muscles, i guess.

these are just a few of the things that keep me together.

okay.

stay gold,

suzy e.

#youknowyouloveit

to the me who is 2 years wiser.

to: future me.

from: now me.

you know me but i don't know you.

you know all my thoughts and feelings. so i know you'll understand this letter, and why i am so worried.

i don't know how often you think of me, but you should know i think about you all the time. 

i wonder if you're smarter than me.
i wonder if you still like boys with nice hair.
i wonder if you're taller.
i wonder if you like writing.
i wonder where you've been.
i wonder if you've ever seen something amazing.
i wonder if you went to college.
i wonder who you've met.
i wonder if you're living an exciting life.
i hope you're living an exciting life.

while knowing the answer to all of those questions/wonderings would be nice, mostly all i want to know is if you are happy.

i hope you're still gold,
suzy e.

we all have two hearts

i have two hearts. i like to call them my heart, and my heart.

if a person says, "oh my gosh i'm having a heart attack." you know to take them to the hospital.

but when your sister comes to you and says, "my heart is broken." you know to take her to the store to buy some ice cream.

for some reason there is a rule that when something hurts in your heart there are only two things that can fix it.

1. time. ("time heals all wounds" blah blah..(all that smushy crap.))

2. ice cream. 

maybe people eat ice cream when their hearts are broken because now that they no longer have someone to love, they can go back to the thing they will always love, ice cream. 

stores will never run out of ice cream, like people run out of love. i mean, have you ever seen the ice cream section at kohlers? its huge. 

when you love someone more than you love ice cream, i suppose that is when you know its true love.

stay gold,

suzy e.

(p.s. please forgive me for my post about loving ice cream. i've never loved a boy like i've loved ice cream, so i just had to write what i know.)

(500)

i don't care who you are, (500) Days of Summer is one of the best freakin movies ever made.

i love it all.

(even the cuss words.*)

10 REASONS THIS IS A GREAT MOVIE.

1. it tricks you into thinking that Summer and Tom will end up together even while saying "this is not a love story"
2. Tom is a man who believes in love/fate. "it's love, not santa claus."
3. right from the beginning you know who is going to be having problems with this relationship.
4. the soundtrack is simply...oh my its just really good go get it now.
5. Tom's sister. "just because she likes the same bizarro crap you do doesn't make her your soul mate." (she really tells it like it is.)
6. the fact that the man is supposed to be an architect but somehow got roped into being a greeting card writer..? "why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card?"
7. the whole Sid and Nancy thing they have going on. "Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy seven times with a kitchen knife...i hardly think i'm Sid Vicious." "no i'm Sid."
8. Tom's nice little musical number, complete with a cartoon bird. 
9. JGL (<-----enough said.)
10. i mostly love that even though Tom's whole "500 days with Summer" was supposed to teach him that love was a coincidence he still ends up believing in fate.

okay. i'm sorry for the ramble about one of the greatest movies. bah. if you haven't seen it i'll let you borrow it, or you know you could just go buy your own copy. but mostly just go see it. 

a movie review is what happens when you think that you can watch a movie while attempting to write something.

kthanksbye.
stay gold kids,
suzy e.




*don't cuss, stay gold.

ADD

we all know those kids who are ADD or ADHD.

they talk a little too fast.

they think a little too much.

they get way too excited about things.

they might act a little crazy.

but as a teenager who has ADD let me tell you how it really is:

-my thoughts are constantly overflowing in my mind.

-i'm always thinking or wondering about something.

-my brain develops ideas faster than my mouth can express them.

-that filter that is in between your brain and your mouth (you know what i'm talking about.) yeah i don't have one.

-its hard to explain myself when i'm stuttering over the words that want to move from my brain to my mouth all at once.

-i feel too much. (don't we all?)

-i don't care who thinks what about the fact that i stutter sometimes.

-i don't care who sees me having too much fun.

sitting in classrooms for six and half hours every day makes my mind want to explode. 

so a doctor gave me a pill, and told me i was normal.

as if.

even though this magic little orange and white capsule helped me calm down and focus, i'm somewhat convinced that it has slaughtered my creativity.

because once i took the magic pill i began to care what others thought about my ideas. i became content to hear someone else's idea, rather than share my own. 

ADDerall has killed my creativity.

i'm trying to revive it.

we'll see how that goes.

stay gold,

suzy e.

p.s. don't to drugs.

i'm here, now what?

i think i've always known the difference between being alive, and living.

 

but more than KNOWING the difference, i can FEEL the difference.

for me being alive, is as simple and easy as breathing. you're alive without even really trying. (unless you have asthma or something, in which case disregard that last statement. my apologies.)

to be alive is easy. all you have to do is exist. you're sitting there. you're reading this. you're alive. 

but are you really living?

living. living. living. 

living is hard. because to live you have to feel. i don't know if you're a fan of feeling, because it's possible that i have never met you ever. but i think everyone should know that i do like feeling. whether its good or bad. it reminds me that i am living. 

and for the record, by "living" i don't mean: "go out every night and have a raging party where you lose more than just your phone." no no no no. 

by "living" i mean: "doing whatever you can to feel more than just alive."

all i ask is that you do more to live, than to just be alive.

stay gold, kids.

suzy e.