Past Power

You've bought a million journals but haven't written a word in one of them.
The pages are pristine, the covers a little dusty.
The pens you keep buying from bookstores keep getting lost, but that's no excuse.

Go on, tell me why.
I know you're trying not to hate yourself but being afraid of yourself is basically the same thing.
You're in charge of you, but don't give yourself too much power.
Who should the power go to? Present You? Future? Past?

There is no use in giving power to the Past, unless you plan on never leaving high school behind.

You're afraid to write anything because the Future You might not like it.
Will she look at the words and scoff? Cringe? Smile?

Stop being afraid of her. She hasn't earned the right to your power yet.

Remember last year? When you were afraid of her? Well you are her now so. Where does that leave you?

There is power in the Present. Don't you forget it.

Tndr

I fall in love with every right swipe on tinder.
In the split second it takes me to make the decision of a lifetime an entire lifetime flashes before me.

What's ur last name would i take it how many kids will we have could we name one florence would it be weird to name a boy francis is your mom nice will i have any in laws why are you shirtless in all of these pictures wow abs whats ur fav color how long have you had a man bun will your last name sound cool with mine maybe i'll read your bio nvm does your dog have a dog name or a human name i hope it's a dog name i like ur dog would you buy me another dog could we just be one of those couples who has dogs instead of kids would you be willing to name our first dog bro and the second ho probably not ehhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhh swipe left

Last Year

Last year I made fun of my friend for watching Bob's Burgers.

I started watching it.

It's pretty OK.

What else have I been making fun of?

This blog post means nothing. 

The Most Important

Of all the things I've discovered on Pinterest this is the most important thing ever.

Prosac vs Anxiety vs Depression

Prozac: Sam, you need to clean your room, it's really bad.

Anxiety: Holy cow this is going to take forever you better wait until you have 4 hours to clean it because nothing can be done in 10 minutes.

Depression: I mean, even if you clean it--it's just going to get dirty again, right? So, what's the point?

...

Prozac: Sam go hang out with your friends, you haven't seen them in ages.

Anxiety: They're just going to talk about school the whole time, what will you have to add to the conversation?

Depression: Wouldn't you rather finish that show you started earlier today? You could stay up all night!

...

Prozac: You should go to the gym today! Endorphins! Energy! Exercise!

Anxiety: You better workout in the back row. Everyone! Is! Looking! At! You!

Depression: You're so tired, just go get Chick-Fil-A and go home. Chicken! Strips! Frozen! Lemonade!

...

Prozac: What are you going to do tomorrow? You should be productive!

Anxiety: Well you usually do nothing and you're doing okay right? You should keep doing that!

Depression: Why do you always want to do something different? Just chill out.

Glitchin'

My computer keeps on glitching. So I don't often use it. As I get started into something, downloading music, looking up things to read, editing photos, etc. my computer freaks out and turns off, (which--let me tell you--is AWESOME) and I'm left to wait the 10-15 minutes for it to reboot. (Honestly what century is this? I feel like I'm living in the 2000s (-_- @ me.))

I am glitchin'. Once I get started on something BOOM my life turns off. The restart usually comes in the wake of an anxiety attack, or a Day of Depression, or maybe a particularly bad batch of cookies. But once I turn off, it's so hard to wait that 10-15 minutes for a reboot. Most of the time I can't. I have to try to distract myself with something else.

This is the first thing I've been able to reboot in a while. Maybe it was all the cool gifs, or the fact that you can now search Google using picutres (????!!!!!) but I got through it.

So that's something.

Late Night Convos w/ Myself

Me: You always assumed that you sounded like a girl but people on the phone with you are constantly wondering if your nickname "Sam" is for "Samantha", but maybe you just don't know you sound like a boy, idk idk.

Me: You think everything has changed but most things are the same.

Me: Why can't you stop listening to Justin Bieber?

Me: Did you just look up how to spell "Bieber"? Who are you?

Me: You rode in cars with boys in high school so why was Friday different?

Me: You keep saying that you're you and thats okay, but is it really? Is it okay to have anxiety attacks every other day? Is it okay to go a week without washing your hair? (yes.) Is it okay to teach your nephew to say "Guess what--chicken BUTT"?

Me: Because you've done all of those things.

Me: Stop caring so much about anything and start caring more about everything.


Me: ???

Me: !!!

?

"Where do you want to go?"

"Everywhere."

"No, I meant with your life."

"I know."

You haven't even read all the Harry Potter books and I still like you, so

I tried to make a Feelings For You Pie Chart today and all I could come up with was this:

• 30% like.
• 49% ugh.
• 12% heartache.
• 9% wtf I am trash.

Revised Feelings Chart, Part 2:

• 100% why?

And Part 3:

• 100% why not?

Thank Heaven

I saw you at 8 AM today, and thank heaven for that. 
Thank heaven for soap. 
Thank heaven for henna pens. 
Thank heaven for rocket ships, and planets, and fake tattoos. 
Thank heaven for clean fridges. 
Thank heaven for two papers and thank heaven for two rocks and then thank heaven for a pair of scissors and a single piece of paper even thought that meant not seeing you for a while. 
Thank heaven for $1 movies and thank heaven for a priceless soundtrack. 
Thank heaven for for curly hair.
Thank heaven for nieces and nephews.
Thank heaven for cancelled recitals and long drives not taken.
Thank heaven for violins, and for the old ladies who teach it.
Thank heaven for Prom and all the ones I didn't go to.
Thank heaven for gaps in teeth and shots for South America.
Thank heaven for the pandas in China and the tigers in Thailand.
Thank heaven for boys who weak Spanish, thank heaven I can't understand what you say because I only feel the words and that is how I like it.
Thank heaven for stake conference and getting to church 3 hours late.
Thank heaven for full time and thank heaven for full time with you.

more on my Heart

If a dream is a wish that your heart makes, then mine has been asleep for months.
It's woken up a few times since January, but never fails to fall back again.

Honestly this time is different. Maybe it only feels different because every time is different, you know?
But every time I see your face my Heart swells to 10x it's normal size.
Is it normal for my chest cavity to fill with butterflies at the sight of your name next to mine?

I've developed this habit of trying to hold my Heart.
My hands clutch at my chest, trying to reach it.
Maybe to shake it awake, to keep it from falling any further.
I can't tell how much farther it can fall before it hits the floor and shatters.
But the sight of your squinty-eyed, gap-toothed smile fills my Heart until it bursts,
And I have to try to keep it together, but my Hands can never reach it.

My Hands know their job. They fix things. 
They've been trying to hold things together since forever.
But they can't get a handle on my Heart. 
Nothing can, apparently. There is no reasoning with it.
I've decided that they only thing I can do is be ready to catch it 





right before it hits the ground.