?

"Where do you want to go?"

"Everywhere."

"No, I meant with your life."

"I know."

You haven't even read all the Harry Potter books and I still like you, so

I tried to make a Feelings For You Pie Chart today and all I could come up with was this:

• 30% like.
• 49% ugh.
• 12% heartache.
• 9% wtf I am trash.

Revised Feelings Chart, Part 2:

• 100% why?

And Part 3:

• 100% why not?

Thank Heaven

I saw you at 8 AM today, and thank heaven for that. 
Thank heaven for soap. 
Thank heaven for henna pens. 
Thank heaven for rocket ships, and planets, and fake tattoos. 
Thank heaven for clean fridges. 
Thank heaven for two papers and thank heaven for two rocks and then thank heaven for a pair of scissors and a single piece of paper even thought that meant not seeing you for a while. 
Thank heaven for $1 movies and thank heaven for a priceless soundtrack. 
Thank heaven for for curly hair.
Thank heaven for nieces and nephews.
Thank heaven for cancelled recitals and long drives not taken.
Thank heaven for violins, and for the old ladies who teach it.
Thank heaven for Prom and all the ones I didn't go to.
Thank heaven for gaps in teeth and shots for South America.
Thank heaven for the pandas in China and the tigers in Thailand.
Thank heaven for boys who weak Spanish, thank heaven I can't understand what you say because I only feel the words and that is how I like it.
Thank heaven for stake conference and getting to church 3 hours late.
Thank heaven for full time and thank heaven for full time with you.

more on my Heart

If a dream is a wish that your heart makes, then mine has been asleep for months.
It's woken up a few times since January, but never fails to fall back again.

Honestly this time is different. Maybe it only feels different because every time is different, you know?
But every time I see your face my Heart swells to 10x it's normal size.
Is it normal for my chest cavity to fill with butterflies at the sight of your name next to mine?

I've developed this habit of trying to hold my Heart.
My hands clutch at my chest, trying to reach it.
Maybe to shake it awake, to keep it from falling any further.
I can't tell how much farther it can fall before it hits the floor and shatters.
But the sight of your squinty-eyed, gap-toothed smile fills my Heart until it bursts,
And I have to try to keep it together, but my Hands can never reach it.

My Hands know their job. They fix things. 
They've been trying to hold things together since forever.
But they can't get a handle on my Heart. 
Nothing can, apparently. There is no reasoning with it.
I've decided that they only thing I can do is be ready to catch it 





right before it hits the ground.

this is why i'm trash

I gave up on blogging because who is going to read this any way

I gave up on reading blogs because I didn't know who was writing them

I haven't sat down and typed like this is so long

Because I thought about settling for someone who wouldn't even consider growing a man bun

Because I didn't do college and told people it was because of my anxiety when mostly I just didn't want to go to school

Because I've been rolling my eyes so often that it's become my resting face

I washed my darks two days ago and I still haven't folded them

When people ask me if it's hard working full time and I shrug and say "what else would I be doing?"

I was going to go to Greece

I got one of these One-Line-A-Day-For-Five-Years journals and I didn't even last a month

Because about once a week I sit down to write in said journal and try to think of what I did last Tuesday and I can't remember

Because I really want to go to some of Nelson's creative writing classes, but now I'm too old

And I also don't want to be that person who goes back to high school

Because I didn't know there was a SFYS Poetry Slam tonight and I went to Chick-Fil-A after work when I would have had plenty of time to catch the last hour of slams

Because when you graduate high school no one tells you just how awful Adult Life really is

Because I was going to find a gif to put on the bottom of this blog post but I'm too lazy to find one

BECAUSE WHEN I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL I IMAGINED LIVING THIS WONDERFUL LIFE THAT WOULD BE AN ADVENTURE BUT I'VE BASICALLY BECOME MY WORST NIGHTMARE AND I'M SO RUSTY AT WRITING THAT I'M GOING TO END THIS BLOG POST BY SAYING THAT I'M TRASH AND I KNOW IT AND THAT'S IT.